I sort of didn't think I would have to begin feeling the burdens of being a senior until September, maybe August. Sunday disproved this. Despite not really having massive responsibilities until autumn rolls around (okay, who am I kidding), I'm still having a slight panic-attack and know this summer needs to be a period of mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation. But shouldn't I always be preparing for leadership roles? To act as a manifestation of Christ?
Thanks for the wake-up call, God. I hope...know that You'll lead me through this successfully. (Whether I do more good than damage is another story, however.)
Eep. I have one remaining final on Wednesday, and then I can officially think of myself as a senior. I am a senior, technically speaking, because the class of '10 graduated on Saturday. What ever happened to the self-assurance that I would become this mature, interesting, knowledgeable individual by the time three years of high school had passed?
WHAT'S GOING ON???
Not to say that I am not grateful; I am completely, 100% in thankful disbelief (over many things, though this was definitely the hardest hit). Who knew I'd even be alive in 2010? Just, wow.
Old song, but whatever tomorrow brings...I won't be there with open arms and open eyes. I'm already here.
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
08 June 2010
22 October 2009
peculiar situations
Ever since I quit using Xanga, I've felt a little less connected from my friends who blog. At the same time, I've experienced a drastic growth in fashion and media "knowledge" due to the new string of blogs I follow daily on Blogger and etc.. It's peculiar in that I spend a lot less time online, but I seem to be sucking in more opinions and advice than usual.
Another weird situation I find myself in is that for AP Lang, I need a rudimentary understanding of society and how media impacts it. For someone who only started reading magazines last year, this is a ridiculous change in mindset for me. For the first time I'm expected to know who the A-lister celebrities are, who is rumored to have done what, and the latest super-couples. Knowing that Jessica Simpson wore Juicy-branded sweats and that the general census deems that tacky is expected. Understanding music videos and mainstream music is expected. Being able to pull philosophical insight out of what I previously deemed complete trash is expected. So what am I to expect of myself this year?
My materialism has probably peaked, as for my slight desire to conform. In a way, I find conforming unavoidable, even for the most unique individuals. Since we as humans are not real creators of anything, I think "personal style" is redundant and impossible. We mold ourselves off each other, off what we see, off what we are surrounded by. And so I'm kind of experimenting with indulging in society, but only to a small extent (I hope).
Besides this, any current attempt of mine to get straight A's in school has failed. My work ethic has exponentially increased, and I am well aware of the consequences of laziness (writing on this blog is actually taboo to me now since I waste so much time pulling together my thoughts), but despite all my drastic measures of earning better marks, I simply cannot do it. I can't comprehend how the "normal" straight A student thinks and studies, and as a result I can't pull off the grades I want and need to get into the school I will not name anymore (rhymes with Frown).
On the other hand, I had an epiphany today after a quite disappointing incident...NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I've decided I need to work to improve my understanding of Biblical doctrine and strengthen my faith in God and relationship with Him. No more extenuating my mangled priorities: God must come first.
Regardless, my lack of good grades doesn't discourage me. I'm going to work to recommitting to my work every day, and finding ways to MAKE my dreams possible. Perhaps what I want won't be how things end up, and I'm perfectly fine of that, but there's no harm in working hard and trying for what I want, right?
Final note: I love learning. I love school. I've discovered this over the span of 12 years of forced education, and it's undeniable. I love math when I understand it; I love history when I find ways of memorizing dates; I love French when I learn to implement that weird futur anterieur tense into daily speech. I love all of this, but it takes work and a conscious choice to love such things...What I'm saying is that, pardon my language (this will be the last time you hear me say this, promise), I'm going to fucking kick ass this year.
...
(Empire State of Mind just came on the radio :)
"Since I made it here, I can make it anywhere...there's nothing you can't do...these streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you...")
Another weird situation I find myself in is that for AP Lang, I need a rudimentary understanding of society and how media impacts it. For someone who only started reading magazines last year, this is a ridiculous change in mindset for me. For the first time I'm expected to know who the A-lister celebrities are, who is rumored to have done what, and the latest super-couples. Knowing that Jessica Simpson wore Juicy-branded sweats and that the general census deems that tacky is expected. Understanding music videos and mainstream music is expected. Being able to pull philosophical insight out of what I previously deemed complete trash is expected. So what am I to expect of myself this year?
My materialism has probably peaked, as for my slight desire to conform. In a way, I find conforming unavoidable, even for the most unique individuals. Since we as humans are not real creators of anything, I think "personal style" is redundant and impossible. We mold ourselves off each other, off what we see, off what we are surrounded by. And so I'm kind of experimenting with indulging in society, but only to a small extent (I hope).
Besides this, any current attempt of mine to get straight A's in school has failed. My work ethic has exponentially increased, and I am well aware of the consequences of laziness (writing on this blog is actually taboo to me now since I waste so much time pulling together my thoughts), but despite all my drastic measures of earning better marks, I simply cannot do it. I can't comprehend how the "normal" straight A student thinks and studies, and as a result I can't pull off the grades I want and need to get into the school I will not name anymore (rhymes with Frown).
On the other hand, I had an epiphany today after a quite disappointing incident...NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I've decided I need to work to improve my understanding of Biblical doctrine and strengthen my faith in God and relationship with Him. No more extenuating my mangled priorities: God must come first.
Regardless, my lack of good grades doesn't discourage me. I'm going to work to recommitting to my work every day, and finding ways to MAKE my dreams possible. Perhaps what I want won't be how things end up, and I'm perfectly fine of that, but there's no harm in working hard and trying for what I want, right?
Final note: I love learning. I love school. I've discovered this over the span of 12 years of forced education, and it's undeniable. I love math when I understand it; I love history when I find ways of memorizing dates; I love French when I learn to implement that weird futur anterieur tense into daily speech. I love all of this, but it takes work and a conscious choice to love such things...What I'm saying is that, pardon my language (this will be the last time you hear me say this, promise), I'm going to fucking kick ass this year.
...
(Empire State of Mind just came on the radio :)
"Since I made it here, I can make it anywhere...there's nothing you can't do...these streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you...")
31 August 2009
expectations pt. 2
Today, I pull on my destroyed jeans, since they're the most comfortable of all the pants I own, and head to Charter.
Frat: Mary, as a senior (<-- lol) you're supposed to be a model of Charter. Especially on the freshmen's first day of school! Today we establish the reputation. Those jeans aren't allowed in the building, even on casual days (Okay, I honestly had no idea. I wore them all the time last year). You look like you came from a rock concert! The kids will think they can wear those types of jeans, and wear them, and get in trouble and blame you! Now, I'm not trying to be mean or anything...
Mervine: *chuckle*
Middleton: YOU CAN'T EVER WEAR THOSE! (I make a pact with her to never wear them again in my lifetime at Charter.)
Biehl: BAD DRESS CODE, BAD DRESS CODE (after watching me get yelled at by Middleton) (he continues to do this every time I walk by)
Fleetwood: Did they come like that?
Mrs. Hollstein: Mary, your pants...
Me: I know, I'm sorry. I won't wear them again.
Mrs. Hollstein: No...um, I was going to say that I really like them! (Sheepish smile) I saw you getting yelled and and was secretly laughing since I think they're cute.
Me: ...
This is my high school in a nutshell.
---
I'm also assuming that this means our new president has cracked down on dress code, even for casual days :(. Last time this happened to me I stopped expanding on my collection of colored denim, which I had planned to get every color of eventually; however, I really do like the whole destroyed/acid/bleached/painted look, and so although this is a letdown I will still be buying a pair or two...oh, fashion...
Frat: Mary, as a senior (<-- lol) you're supposed to be a model of Charter. Especially on the freshmen's first day of school! Today we establish the reputation. Those jeans aren't allowed in the building, even on casual days (Okay, I honestly had no idea. I wore them all the time last year). You look like you came from a rock concert! The kids will think they can wear those types of jeans, and wear them, and get in trouble and blame you! Now, I'm not trying to be mean or anything...
Mervine: *chuckle*
Middleton: YOU CAN'T EVER WEAR THOSE! (I make a pact with her to never wear them again in my lifetime at Charter.)
Biehl: BAD DRESS CODE, BAD DRESS CODE (after watching me get yelled at by Middleton) (he continues to do this every time I walk by)
Fleetwood: Did they come like that?
Mrs. Hollstein: Mary, your pants...
Me: I know, I'm sorry. I won't wear them again.
Mrs. Hollstein: No...um, I was going to say that I really like them! (Sheepish smile) I saw you getting yelled and and was secretly laughing since I think they're cute.
Me: ...
This is my high school in a nutshell.
---
I'm also assuming that this means our new president has cracked down on dress code, even for casual days :(. Last time this happened to me I stopped expanding on my collection of colored denim, which I had planned to get every color of eventually; however, I really do like the whole destroyed/acid/bleached/painted look, and so although this is a letdown I will still be buying a pair or two...oh, fashion...
30 August 2009
expectations
Tomorrow I will find myself in the halls of Charter again. Three days early. Why? As the new assistant editor-in-chief and previous photography editor for the yearbook, I'm obligated to wake up early, put on decent clothing, pack up my camera bag, and take pictures of the doe-like freshman hesitantly working their way around the school for the first time.
Awesome.
The first thing I thought about concerning my task as documenter-extraordinaire was if I should wear a uniform. Easy answer: no. If a little child unknowingly came up to me and asked what homeroom I'm in and what middle school I'm from, I'd probably smack the crap out of him/her.
...Just kidding. But I really don't want to deal with freshmen at the moment.
So then I thought about what I wanted to wear in terms of casual clothing. And the more I thought about it, the less I cared. Why? I've never been that high maintenance, though freshman year I did try to give a good impression with my appearance for the first month or so. In reality, though, there's no one to impress except myself. And so this year will probably go by as my happiest, and the most casual I'll ever dress at school. Sophomore year went by with many bumps, especially concerning teachers and my dress-code breaking, but this year should go well. I'm more concerned about studies than anything (note previous blogs), and I really don't care much about impressions anymore. I'm done with all that.
On the other hand, I look forward to see the freshmen (girls in particular) with their color-coordinated hair ribbons, rolled up polo sleeves with tie-dye shirts flipped over underneath, Hollister khakis, loads of jewelry, caked-on make up, and shiny new flats.
Little do they know, in less than a year they'll be rolling out of bed, grabbing the first polo and pants they see, sometimes forgetting to wear a bra (I've heard of this. Interesting, no?), pulling their hair into whatever style keeps it out of their face during hour-long tests, sans make up, sliding into flip flops rather than those sweet kicks they bought a few months earlier due to ease of wear.
...At least that's how my life is narrated, for the most part.
Awesome.
The first thing I thought about concerning my task as documenter-extraordinaire was if I should wear a uniform. Easy answer: no. If a little child unknowingly came up to me and asked what homeroom I'm in and what middle school I'm from, I'd probably smack the crap out of him/her.
...Just kidding. But I really don't want to deal with freshmen at the moment.
So then I thought about what I wanted to wear in terms of casual clothing. And the more I thought about it, the less I cared. Why? I've never been that high maintenance, though freshman year I did try to give a good impression with my appearance for the first month or so. In reality, though, there's no one to impress except myself. And so this year will probably go by as my happiest, and the most casual I'll ever dress at school. Sophomore year went by with many bumps, especially concerning teachers and my dress-code breaking, but this year should go well. I'm more concerned about studies than anything (note previous blogs), and I really don't care much about impressions anymore. I'm done with all that.
On the other hand, I look forward to see the freshmen (girls in particular) with their color-coordinated hair ribbons, rolled up polo sleeves with tie-dye shirts flipped over underneath, Hollister khakis, loads of jewelry, caked-on make up, and shiny new flats.
Little do they know, in less than a year they'll be rolling out of bed, grabbing the first polo and pants they see, sometimes forgetting to wear a bra (I've heard of this. Interesting, no?), pulling their hair into whatever style keeps it out of their face during hour-long tests, sans make up, sliding into flip flops rather than those sweet kicks they bought a few months earlier due to ease of wear.
...At least that's how my life is narrated, for the most part.
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