22 October 2009

peculiar situations

Ever since I quit using Xanga, I've felt a little less connected from my friends who blog. At the same time, I've experienced a drastic growth in fashion and media "knowledge" due to the new string of blogs I follow daily on Blogger and etc.. It's peculiar in that I spend a lot less time online, but I seem to be sucking in more opinions and advice than usual.

Another weird situation I find myself in is that for AP Lang, I need a rudimentary understanding of society and how media impacts it. For someone who only started reading magazines last year, this is a ridiculous change in mindset for me. For the first time I'm expected to know who the A-lister celebrities are, who is rumored to have done what, and the latest super-couples. Knowing that Jessica Simpson wore Juicy-branded sweats and that the general census deems that tacky is expected. Understanding music videos and mainstream music is expected. Being able to pull philosophical insight out of what I previously deemed complete trash is expected. So what am I to expect of myself this year?

My materialism has probably peaked, as for my slight desire to conform. In a way, I find conforming unavoidable, even for the most unique individuals. Since we as humans are not real creators of anything, I think "personal style" is redundant and impossible. We mold ourselves off each other, off what we see, off what we are surrounded by. And so I'm kind of experimenting with indulging in society, but only to a small extent (I hope).

Besides this, any current attempt of mine to get straight A's in school has failed. My work ethic has exponentially increased, and I am well aware of the consequences of laziness (writing on this blog is actually taboo to me now since I waste so much time pulling together my thoughts), but despite all my drastic measures of earning better marks, I simply cannot do it. I can't comprehend how the "normal" straight A student thinks and studies, and as a result I can't pull off the grades I want and need to get into the school I will not name anymore (rhymes with Frown).

On the other hand, I had an epiphany today after a quite disappointing incident...NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I've decided I need to work to improve my understanding of Biblical doctrine and strengthen my faith in God and relationship with Him. No more extenuating my mangled priorities: God must come first.

Regardless, my lack of good grades doesn't discourage me. I'm going to work to recommitting to my work every day, and finding ways to MAKE my dreams possible. Perhaps what I want won't be how things end up, and I'm perfectly fine of that, but there's no harm in working hard and trying for what I want, right?

Final note: I love learning. I love school. I've discovered this over the span of 12 years of forced education, and it's undeniable. I love math when I understand it; I love history when I find ways of memorizing dates; I love French when I learn to implement that weird futur anterieur tense into daily speech. I love all of this, but it takes work and a conscious choice to love such things...What I'm saying is that, pardon my language (this will be the last time you hear me say this, promise), I'm going to fucking kick ass this year.


(Empire State of Mind just came on the radio :)

"Since I made it here, I can make it anywhere...there's nothing you can't do...these streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you...")

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