day twenty-seven

A picture of you last year and now and how you've changed since then?

2010 Winter Retreat (photo courtesy the Lins)

2011 Winter Retreat (photo again courtesy the Lins)

I'm still playing the piano. I'm still in a small group. I'm still active in the church. I'm still a scarf person. I still French braid my hair as a default. I still have that awkward, forced camera smile. I still have that heart ring on. I still use the same keyboard. I still love retreats.

I'm not playing the piano against my will anymore. I'm not just in a small group for retreats; I'm leading a small group. I'm more active in church than I originally planned to be, all glory to God. I don't buy scarfs anymore, I'm gifted them...I am slowly switching to a messy, amateur fishtail braid. I am actually genuinely happy before a camera, awkward smile or not. That heart ring has welded into a part of me, not just as an accessory. I don't need the transpose button anymore, though I may chose to use it in tight spots and last-second key changes. I will likely not be attending another WCEC+WCCEC winter retreat again, ever.

I was sixteen, I am seventeen. I was set on one college, I am open to God's options for me. I thought I understood sacrifice, I am learning to give some more each day. I was using a Dell, I am using a Mac. I had a Versa that I guarded with my life, I have an iPhone 4 that I guard with my life. I overpacked and wore my bat-wing sweater way too much, I still wear my bat-wing sweater but pack more conservatively. I slept late by choice, I sleep late by force. I did my homework on a bed, I do my homework on a dining table. And on, and on, and on. But:

I was a Christian, I am a Christian.

Some things never change.

salvation is here

Salvation that died just to set me free...

Just got back from the Delaware Valley Joint Youth Retreat, which occurs once every three years...I believe that the last one I went to, in 2007, was my second winter retreat since joining the youth group. Pretty ridiculous; I can't grasp how much has changed since then.

I don't want to ramble on and on about this, especially because I hate admitting that things are over (and that I probably will not be able to attend another joint retreat ever again) and I'm avoiding all the "I miss you!"s at the moment since I feel like it was just too early to say goodbye to everyone I spent the weekend with :(.

On the plus side, this was maybe the first drama-free retreat I've been to in a while, though winter retreats are usually more mellow than spring retreats. It was a good feeling to just sink back from day-to-day living (although I've been out of school for ten? days now) and just learn and smile.

Something I have to be very thankful about is praise. In preparation of last night's candlelight service/worship session, I had been continuously praying for a humble heart...from what it felt like three years ago, and the mentality/vibes I had picked up on, it almost seemed as if the one-praise-team-per-worship-session schedule was a show-and-tell of whose praise team is the best. And even besides that, the whole notion that most churches don't mingle (or at least when we have our normal retreats, our sister church usually stays with themselves, and for the most part, we do, too) made me a bit hesitant. But to cut a long story short, "Give me a humble heart" was maybe the most repetitive part of my prayers for a while now, and after what was essentially months of practice, it all paid off. One audience, one God.

I almost think I could do it again, even though I've mainly retired from playing the keyboard for praise. But I am so, so glad that everyone proved my preconceptions wrong and the weekend just flowed wonderfully--the insightful messages, interesting workshop, welcoming churches...I'm just so glad right now.

I can't even say I'm at a spiritual "high" right now, but I am very thankful and I feel like a new side of this whole fellowship business has been properly revealed to me. I know I've gained something unlike what I come out of from normal retreats, and I am convinced it will last.

I am so glad.