coming home

Having one of those days where everything is offsetting. From sunrise to sunset, I have felt like a little piece of immeuble que tout le monde veut utiliser pour les choses qui lui interesse. Je suis juste les dechets. And it makes me so incredibly frustrated--I have not sentir comme ceci pour longtemps.

On the plus side, this is a nice little reminder that my home is in Heaven. I am not meant to fit in on Earth. I am meant to serve, love God, and love others, as best as I can. Not sure keeping my anger to myself and mopping my cries up with my own hair is the answer to this, but it sure helps to think that this broken place I'm in is only temporary.

J'ai besoin de votre aide, mon Seigneur.

drive

I sort of didn't think I would have to begin feeling the burdens of being a senior until September, maybe August. Sunday disproved this. Despite not really having massive responsibilities until autumn rolls around (okay, who am I kidding), I'm still having a slight panic-attack and know this summer needs to be a period of mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation. But shouldn't I always be preparing for leadership roles? To act as a manifestation of Christ?

Thanks for the wake-up call, God. I hope...know that You'll lead me through this successfully. (Whether I do more good than damage is another story, however.)

Eep. I have one remaining final on Wednesday, and then I can officially think of myself as a senior. I am a senior, technically speaking, because the class of '10 graduated on Saturday. What ever happened to the self-assurance that I would become this mature, interesting, knowledgeable individual by the time three years of high school had passed?

WHAT'S GOING ON???

Not to say that I am not grateful; I am completely, 100% in thankful disbelief (over many things, though this was definitely the hardest hit). Who knew I'd even be alive in 2010? Just, wow.

Old song, but whatever tomorrow brings...I won't be there with open arms and open eyes. I'm already here.

salvation is here

Salvation that died just to set me free...

Just got back from the Delaware Valley Joint Youth Retreat, which occurs once every three years...I believe that the last one I went to, in 2007, was my second winter retreat since joining the youth group. Pretty ridiculous; I can't grasp how much has changed since then.

I don't want to ramble on and on about this, especially because I hate admitting that things are over (and that I probably will not be able to attend another joint retreat ever again) and I'm avoiding all the "I miss you!"s at the moment since I feel like it was just too early to say goodbye to everyone I spent the weekend with :(.

On the plus side, this was maybe the first drama-free retreat I've been to in a while, though winter retreats are usually more mellow than spring retreats. It was a good feeling to just sink back from day-to-day living (although I've been out of school for ten? days now) and just learn and smile.

Something I have to be very thankful about is praise. In preparation of last night's candlelight service/worship session, I had been continuously praying for a humble heart...from what it felt like three years ago, and the mentality/vibes I had picked up on, it almost seemed as if the one-praise-team-per-worship-session schedule was a show-and-tell of whose praise team is the best. And even besides that, the whole notion that most churches don't mingle (or at least when we have our normal retreats, our sister church usually stays with themselves, and for the most part, we do, too) made me a bit hesitant. But to cut a long story short, "Give me a humble heart" was maybe the most repetitive part of my prayers for a while now, and after what was essentially months of practice, it all paid off. One audience, one God.

I almost think I could do it again, even though I've mainly retired from playing the keyboard for praise. But I am so, so glad that everyone proved my preconceptions wrong and the weekend just flowed wonderfully--the insightful messages, interesting workshop, welcoming churches...I'm just so glad right now.

I can't even say I'm at a spiritual "high" right now, but I am very thankful and I feel like a new side of this whole fellowship business has been properly revealed to me. I know I've gained something unlike what I come out of from normal retreats, and I am convinced it will last.

I am so glad.