the only context that i will ever swear in.

Fuck.

I might get rescinded. How did I not spot this error two marking periods ago...?!

I'm sick to my stomach. Literally. I feel like I'm going to keel over and puke my guts out. This cannot happen. I don't know how it happened. Why the hell would a school switch to a new online grades host website that gives inaccurate cumulative grades--couldn't you at least make an announcement telling us that they're wrong? Why would I bother hand-calculating my grades for the whole year when I am blatantly presented with the option of letting a computer system do it for me? How would I have detected the error in that?

Matthew 11:28. You will give me rest. I know that. You already cleared open this path for me, one that I never imagined I could and would take. And I know that You give and take away...but please. Bring me through this. I am humbled. I really am. I know I don't deserve such a prestigious school, but I absolutely cannot fathom what just happened. Why. WHY.

fact #6

I'm not ready for college

ten days later

I'm packing. I'm not sure what to expect in terms of weather (maybe that's why I keep changing the list of clothes I'll bring), I'm not sure what kind of first impression I'll make, I feel like I'm going to have allergies from sleeping on a dorm room floor... ...and I'm scared I won't like it.

What if I don't like it.

That's absurd. Of course I'll like it! It's where I was born, it's in California, it's beautiful, I've always wanted to move back, I have one or two people here and there that I can grasp onto if need be, my brother is only an hour away (first time in six years), I don't have to trash all my scarves, I am going to be studying art and French and things that I love, six out of ten students are Asian and thus I should never feel racially and relatable-ly alone...

Just, what if.

I'm very spoiled.

Decided.

A new chapter...it's insane how in a matter of a few days (one, really), the course of my next four years of schooling was officially determined. I'm returning "home" to Berkeley this fall; I never would have guessed and am so incredibly indebted to God for leading me on this path.

I'm so, so excited. And nervous. But mostly excited :).

The prayer meeting I'm leading is about to start so that's it for today--hopefully I took my needed break from yearbook and will get back on the ball toward academic, spiritual, mental, and physical success.

Jia you!

(PS...Pokemon White: that's what's up.)

fin.

The yearbook has been completely finished and submitted.

:)

To be honest, I expected a wave of relief and a huge burden to be lifted off my back, but that feeling hasn't come yet. Have I ever even experienced that? Nonetheless, I am so joyful right now--I even got a rejection letter today, and it's not affecting me in the least. Well, that could just have been because I was so concentrated on getting the darned book over with, but anyway, God has impeccable timing.

Going to sleep shortly. I think I'm going to pass on attempting homework...teachers will understand, I hope.

Good night, and yay, I'll be blogging regularly again!

CURVEBALL

Wait-listed by a school I had thought I could probably get into (especially in comparison to Cal), but it's not of much concern. See? He provides... :)

My future's definitely smelling like the West Coast, at this moment, at least. I'm so excited right now!

4-2

I'm three for three in terms of Cali schools thus far...I am certain this record will be shot come Stanford, but I can't help but be just so full of joy right now.

:) Thank you, God! Now I don't feel guilty for having bought a USC shirt last year, hehe. If I end up here, I technically don't have to burn my Stanford sweater, right? Hmm.

3-2

Update: officially enemies with Austin. Must burn all my Stanford gear now...

two vs. two

Bye, Medill :( ...though I'm not nearly as sad as I probably would be if I hadn't had my Brown heartbreak. Something good out of everything bad, eh?

Waiting for the next! Actually, I probably should wait to post this so I can link the rejections together if that's the case, heh.

ouch

"So when people say college is awesome do you think it's because they have a blast praising God? It's cause they can sin and get away with it so easily."

catchup

No, not the condiment.

So, news! I'll try to make this as quick as possible...

1) I got into a lovely school in California with weather I may not be able to turn down.

2) Today marks the first day of our mid-semester break. Emulating colleges, much? I'm so grateful, though; I've been waiting for this weekend depuis longtemps!

3) If I keep up my comprehension progress, I may apparently get a 5 on the AP French exam.

4) Charter's getting a new president and I'm actually slightly jealous this is happening after I leave. Both candidates are promising, but the one I think is going to get the job is just a fantastic person. He served in Vietnam and the Gulf War and his commitment and international experience is so evident.

5) I got a haircut today. It's been about half a year. I'm not sure what I think of it, but less shampoo usage, yay.

6) The yearbook is due next next Monday. I'm excited. Will it get done? HECK YES.

7) Speaking of, I must continue working on it now :) more later, hopefully!

too little too late

A bit depressed. My grades right now much better reflect the ones I was receiving prior to midterms, which dropped almost all my marks, except for French and Art (both constant/steady A's that I wouldn't be able to raise due to the rigor of the class anyway, so all's well with them).

Discrete: 93 --> 96

AP Stat: 88 --> 92.46 (poop I need .04 points.)

AP Lit: 91 --> 94

Physics: 86 --> 89

And then there's gym, my single-semester course, which is clearly a high A...seeing my grades readjust to the caliber that they were originally at (minus physics, which was initially much higher, but is ultimately my fault for being too prideful to ask for help when I needed it as of late) is satisfying but bittersweet: my universities won't see this. They've already made a decision on me.

Yet again, it goes back to a singular point, that I no longer have any control of my decision. Trust and obey, Mary. Trust and obey.

brown

Just like how the MIT Head Admissions Officer being a phony was revealed immediately following my brother's admission decision convinced me that God purposely closed that door in his life (and had a better one in mind! Stanford heck yeahhh), this appears to me as yet another indicator that my God is in control, and that I was shut out of Brown for a purpose.

(If you're confused, I often jokingly-but-not-really cite Brown's sudden 10k increase in applicants to Emma Watson making the school headline news...hey, the timelines match and everything...but now that she's gone, I am sure the school will be notably less popular.)

Not to say that He's going to resultantly place me at Harvard for grad school or something insane as what happened to ge (though I know he deserves it), but rather I should trust His will and realize that, quoting a friend, "I believe I've done everything I had to in order to be qualified."

I will be okay.

:)

irony

I wore my brother's free UD sweater today during school (the whole day, in fact. It's funny that seniors do actually have a free pass on these types of things; I wasn't fully aware of this fact...or maybe I was just lucky today), but I guess I actually don't wear it outside of home as much as I thought, since several people commented on it.

Including a friend who chuckled and said, "it's funny seeing that sweater on you of all people."

Not sure if this is a compliment or a tart remark of my expectations of myself or a manifestation of others' expectations for me.

---

Also, I have been sleeping minimally ("minimally") these past few days and am kind of dying, so I'm off to finish work now and hopefully drop back into REM oblivion...

flattered

Today, a friend told me that she recently conducted her Brown interview over the phone...

A: They asked me "why Brown," and the only thing I could really think of is you and how much you wanted to go there. So that's what I said.

(Me: WHAT???)

unprepared

1) Decided to bail out of applying to two scholarships I was actually excited for. My fault, mostly since it snowed and I didn't ask for a copy of my recommendation letter earlier...

but!

1a) I decided to take my own initiative after feeling horrible about dropping possible prize monies and looked on our guidance website to find other scholarships. I'm feeling this. Went through all the February deadline ones and am going to (hopefully) apply to as many as possible. I want to help cushion that horrible FAFSA blow (see a few posts below).

2) I was finishing A Rope and A Prayer in bed this morning and when I finally did get out from under the covers to use the bathroom, I spot a stinkbug on the ground. So I kill/suffocate/tape it and use the bathroom. Then I return to my bed...and oh my goodness there's a flailing, stinkbug limping around on my sheets, with three of its legs detached and scattered around the area.

I almost fainted.

Either:

2i) I was the one who smashed part of it, or

2ii) I was the one who smashed part of it.

Yeah not a really fun discovery. It also stank up part of my sheets. I sprayed perfume (should have rethought this because it is so strong and I hate how "good" it smells, it's nauseating) on the spots but I can still catch a whiff once in a while.

3) Washing machine is broken.

So this explains why the stinkbug scenario is even more horrifying than usual...because I can't wash my sheets (or my clothes, or anything for that matter) until we buy a new washing machine. Which also costs lots of monies. Which we don't have since we're trying to save for my college fun. Which brings me back to point one.

4) On the bright (bright?) side, my interview for today was just canceled. So if I did want to finish filling out that scholarship application listed in point one, which I partially dropped because I thought I wouldn't have time to find the pieces I wanted to use and also write an essay, I would have time to. Except I already emailed my college counselor apologizing and basically saying never mind.

Bah.

5) It is a snow day. No complaints about that.

So all in all, I haven't really done anything today except get slightly traumatized and finish a book. I think I'm going to do my Statistics homework now and get it over with...that or take a nap. Eep I really need to be productive. I really want to be productive.

Anywhoo, ciao for now :)

good? habits

How you know Mary has an interview:

She takes the utmost care in repainting her nails.

Brother's alma mater. Let's do thisss (well, tomorrow evening. And assuming the roads clear up after tonight's massive snowstorm. Speaking of, I had a wonderfully unproductive but actually very productive day off :)).

bad day #2

I have never done so horribly on midterms before. In my life.

My first marking period grades were presque perfect. Second marking period was not as great, but still, I'm happy with it. But midterms...my midterm grades bring down my whole cumulative scores...it doesn't matter how good first marking period looked, I'm done for.

How did this happen.

It will be 150% by the grace of God if I get into any other schools that take senior grades into account (i.e. all of them). I'm stunned. Things were going so well. I guess that's what happens when I trust in myself...yet I don't think I take things seriously enough, at the same time.

I'm so sad right now.

Also, my right hand has started bleeding again. Cracked skin, cracked soul.

irony at its finest

So according to FAFSA, my family's expected contribution for college is about $8k more than college actually costs. I guess we're paying for someone else's tuition, too.

I know God will provide, but it's just funny how there are so many families I know who earn a significantly larger income than ours and still pay zilch for college for reasons I won't even bother listing. It also doesn't help that my brother having just graduated from a $220k bill and being in graduate school doesn't count due to some flawed, fun, "equality"-promoting reason. Viva la middle class.

Not applying for financial aid again next year. Scholarships, let's go.

one more

You know what's funny?

I was notified of my first college acceptance today. The in-productivity and thrill that ensued was completely unexpected. I'm aware that I will be excited and happy and satisfied wherever I end up, but feeling this way about my safety (my only safety), right now, today, was strange.

I am excited.

You know what's funny?

Many of the passwords I had to fabricate at the start of the school year (for various college things) revolved around what was my top-choice college. Two of my main school-related pass codes, actually, are directly derived from my former dream school. I contemplated this during the wait-time of November, knowing that if denied acceptance, I would either be forced to change all my passwords and restart the finger-memory process...or keep them. Live with the pain. But you know what I did?

I kept them. All of them.

And they make no difference to me now. What an incredible peace I've gained from God.

You know what's funny?