08 September 2009


Because they're leaving me in a year
Because they won't miss me
Because I'm going to be left alone, literally
Because I've invested so much in them and will be left with nothing
Because I'm selfish.

I think that hits things spot on.

This year...I'm torn. Half of me wants to just say, screw it, and learn to fend on my own (the reason why I refuse to willingly use friends' old binders to study out of, even though I have no intentions of cheating or anything remotely similar to plagiarizing). Ignore hang-out requests, ditch them at lunch, and essentially wean myself off of the comfort of their presence.

At the same time, the other half of me is wailing and pounding on my heart, telling me that that kind of thinking is senseless, and that I should embrace every moment I have left until they leave. After all, I did grow up with them in pretty much every sense you can imagine. I love them. They're my second family. They're a huge reason why I can make it through each day. My encouragement and support system.

However, selfish as it may be, I can't help but feel like I'm being abandoned...and as a result I feel that I should be strengthening my relationship with people my age. Not to say I'm anti-social, but I invest an embarrassingly small amount of time to my school friends and to people my age in general. I think it's a comfort thing; I'm always told that I matured fast for my age, and I felt more in place with those who were older than me. But seeing I seem to have stopped maturing (or else this wouldn't be an issue, eh?) and everyone else I deemed "immature" or "not understanding" is now (and probably has been for a while, except my lack of vigilance has made me ignorant) at the same level I am, it makes sense to work on those relationships.

And I will...just I don't know what I value more? Though the obvious answer is a clear balance between learning to get used to not being with them all the time and making the best of their time left.

Next year is going to be ridiculously different.


  1. It's okay! You're only one year behind them. and they'll still keep in touch with you. I know it sucks. I have the same problem...except I don't invest in anyone at all. Meh. So DON'T WORRY. They're not leaving you forever! *hugs* and you're right, I think you'll find that an elitist attitude will only keep you from cultivating meaningful friendships - you can find amazing qualities in very unexpected people sometimes.

    Lov! :) :)

  2. skerra! even it feels like all hope will be lost when they leave, it's totally not. in their perspective, they will be involved in new and fun adventures and different paths that God has specially prepared! and the same applies for you :) there is a purpose in everything.

    & by the way, i miss you guys tons every day :) there are just some things that can't be made up for by new friends.