28 August 2009

fuck my life.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be the happy person everyone else I know is?

Right: cause it's fucking fake. Nice masks you put on! At least I have the guts to spill my issues. To irk you. To confront you with my actual thoughts. Fuck you. Fuck being a role model. I just want to rid myself of this crap, except I absorb everything around me on a daily basis...and everything around me is crap.

I need a light. I need a way. I strive for perfection, for what I see around me in everyone else. Except they are, in no way, perfect. I know that they're all as bad as me in numerous ways. No sin is worse than another, right? I just like to think I'm more honest to myself.

I will prove you wrong. You have no control over me. I hate you, Satan. I hate you and how you pierce my heart and all my passion and turn it black. I hate everything about you and how you've polluted me. I hate how I've never had a chance on my own. I hate how I can lean on God for months at a time, and if for a moment I try to walk on my own, I am crippled and seized by you. I hate you.

And what's this about me being hormonal? Does it even matter? What kind of lame excuse is that? I need to pull myself together. I have no excuse to step this much out of line.

Yet You take me back. Every time. I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for another outbreak. I'm just glad You work through me, work through my anger, and consistently help me write myself back to a state of slight normalcy. I'm glad You are there to heal my paralysis and pull me back on my feet, time after time, despite the pathetic, worthless creature I am.

I'm glad I even have a shot at this life. I'm glad I know there's something worth living for. I'm glad for forgiveness. I'm glad. I'm thankful.

If I've been working on a movie centered on thankfulness for a month now, how is it that the message has still not been conveyed to me?

I'm sorry.


  1. hey mary,

    "I hate how I can lean on God for months at a time, and if for a moment I try to walk on my own, I am crippled and seized by you."

    Don't hate this because we as Christians are not meant to walk on our own strength. There is no need because the Lord IS our strength. Rather, be joyful in that God doesn't allow us to rely on ourselves. When we offer ourselves up to God, He does all the work. All we need to do is be willing.


  2. Haha thanks, Asaph. I know that; it's just very frustrating at times...but thank you for the reminder. Sorry you had to see this.