seventeen minus 3.5 hours

My birthday is tomorrow! Seventeen is one of my favorite numbers (thirteen [probably] being my absolute), and it's super exciting to be finally turning it. Tomorrow, I can watch R-rated movies, drive without restriction, and bask in an incredible 17 years of incredible memories.

Things so drastically change in such a short period of time, no? I'm so blessed; so, so blessed. God has shown me His mercy time after time.

I was just reading Jia's blog (one of the reasons why I'm posting at the moment; I know I'll be over-active again when summer and college begin, but college applications are currently preoccupying all my time), and was absolutely thrilled to see what she said about faith. It's not based on emotions or feelings, as she explicitly states. I love that. One thing I've been struggling with is premonition of my future spiritual state. If I get into my top choice college, I know I'll be surging with "faith" and a renewed sense of His presence...and of course that is something to praise God for, but at the same time, shouldn't I have that crazy passion at all times?

On the other hand: rejection. What will my state of mind be, then? At our recent leadership conference with Brian Coday, I asked him how to face those who "used to be Christian"...his response was that he doubted that anyone who "used to be Christian" ever actually was a follower of Christ. So if my faith takes a dip, what does that say about me? I've invested so much mind-power into digesting the facts of college, college admissions; everything. But what happens when and if that completely falls apart?

I pray my faith won't waiver.

My prayers used to be directed in a manner that asked God to reject me from my top choice if I wasn't ready to handle it. Is that right? I stopped praying about that for about half a year, but as the season to apply began to draw closer--and arrive, I talked to my parents and close friends about this and I changed my mindset. It's not a matter of me "humbling" myself and asking for a rejection if I'm not mature enough to be humble about attending my top choice...it's more a matter of me asking God to show me His path. Wherever I go, I will thrive and flourish. I know that. I just need to wait and see, and if my guess was wrong the whole time? So be it: His direction for me is infinitely better, infinitely more powerful.

I anticipate December 15 with both fear and excitement. But either way, I'll live. I'll be fine. My faith will be put to its ultimate test, likely, but I'll make it through...because He is here, and He has died for me. What else is there to say?

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV): Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Maybe I'm crazy, but after reading this, I immediately was filled with reassurance...perhaps it was mislead, but I feel as if this is almost a direct word from God to me. I am confident that I will not be deferred; instead, either accepted or rejected. I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion, but that is my inference at this point.

Although...if I am deferred, then I'll just have to deal with it. Trust in Him. My faith might need a little testing nonetheless.

Enough college talk, though. I'm going to attempt to finish some work so that I won't have to slave away tomorrow. Seventeen. I'm ready.

2 hours until my birthday is over...

And my wish still hasn't come true!

Please, magical e-mail from Brown guaranteeing my acceptance next fall?!!!


(It's never too early to start wishing...right?)

unfinished work

When I was a toddler, I wanted to be a bird-keeper when I grew up: one of those disheveled ladies who spent all their time pampering bright-eyed Macaws and cheeky Cockatoos...But that plan fell through.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a video game tester when I grew up: one of those glasses-donning, hand-eye coordination extraordinare, nerdy-but-cool geeks who got to tinker around with the hottest new RPG before it became the hottest new RPG...But that plan fell through.

When I was a preteen, I wanted to be an actress when I grew up: one of the first recognized Asian-Americans in the business, friends with Emma Watson, Tom Felton, perhaps even Orlando Bloom?...But that plan fell through.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a photographer when I grew up: one of those prematurely talented girls with a huge camera and spinal problems due to all the lenses she carried in her backpack...

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a journalist when I grew up: one of the respected, opinionated writers who knew her stuff and had a passion for current events...

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a musician when I grew up: one of those rare gems who could play just about any instrument given a few days of practice, with a vocal range spanning oceans...

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a fashionista when I grew up: one of those lucky individuals--not a magazine-bombarded media clone, but one of those real, authentic, unique muses who landed a career in the risky high-end world of glamor and fleeting beauty...

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be an artist when I grew up: one of those crazy, interpretive people who took no heed to what the outside world said but instead thought up the most innovative, amazing new things made out of any medium handed to her...


When I turned sixteen, I still knew nothing of my future and what plans would accompany it; instead, I found myself in a comfortable situation, with friends I loved and people I loved and hobbies and passions and activities I loved, but with something different than before: a drive, a motivation, an urgent conscience egging me to pursue anything and everything and get the most out of this life, since it is meant to be enjoyed and not stressed over, but most importantly? Love and love God. Benefits and careers and wishes and this and that will come and go, but He remains.

Happy birthday to me :)

overwhelmed (a bit)

1) The 7th grade welcome night for youth group went pretty well, I think. Games could have gone smoother, but I'm not going to blame anyone for that...Seems like I'll be helping with it from now on, so I'll just say it'll only get better :). Learn from experience, yes?

2) I was super-duper nervous about small groups, since this was the first time I've lead as an actual...leader; however my group is very talkative (surprisingly), and I think we'll all click nicely. Seeing we already have. Yeah :).

3) My mommy's kind of stressing me out about my whole birthday party situation. I've never been one to have huge extravagant bashes, however for my 16th I do feel like I should at least acknowledge that I'm aging. Supposedly 16 is a very sweet year, but I kind of doubt that seeing I'm taking APs for the first time and my pick was probably not the best...But it seems that at the moment, the most likely thing that will happen is maybe a shopping trip in the morning with a few girls and a dinner at night with a bunch of church people. Perhaps a movie and some random games at my place? It's way too small to host anything in, though (in my opinion). I'd like to do something with school friends only, too, and I guess I have time to think of something? I never really do, though, which is a real shame. School really does get in the way of things, though. I don't want anything complicated else I will become the reason for incomplete homework assignments and lack of thorough studying...Yeahhh...

4) On that note, I was going to get snowboarding gear for my birthday (kind of a stretch, since if that's my birthday present, what the heck was my 50d/Gretsch? Ha, ha), and since Ski Bum has a huge sale next weekend I mentioned it to my mom. Money's pretty tight since Dartmouth's tuition skyrocketed and this is Austin's last year (good thing, bad thing) so my mom was pretty hesitant about discussing it--the reason why she brought up my birthday plans...I think she expects me to do something crazy and expensive? But if I don't get equip now, I guess it's not a big deal since I have plenty of time before ski ways open and I've time to learn how to properly board. Where there's a will, there's a way :) so no worries from me! I'm glad I'm calm about this already. I was kind of scared I'd start writing a huge complaining, spoiled-brat post. Hopefully this is kind of different from that.

5) Did I mention I start driving on the 9th? I'm SO. EXCITED. There was this huge issue of me maybe not being able to learn before my birthday, but seeing I end the driving portion on the 22nd of September, it should be no problem. Thank God :) if I wasn't going to finish in time, it would be a huge problem come time for me to drive alone, and being able to go to school by myself during DSTPs (HA. NO MORE READING/WRITING/MATH FOR ME!!!) and for tennis season, workload permitted. Ja ja ja so this is all very intriguing to me. Also, apparently my driving partner is a sophomore...interesting.

6) My family and I are going to Rehoboth/Lewes tomorrow :). It'll be fun; I've only been to the beach once this summer, I think? I love the ocean, though...I definitely plan on spending time there in the winter and spring, when I can drive myself places. There's no point in living along the coast if you don't fully take advantage of it. So I'd also like to start visiting more beaches in the area soon? But anyway, tomorrow will most likely be a shopping-oriented trip. I am in dire need of a new wardrobe ;).

7) I think waiting is a good thing.