01 February 2010

complete vs. well-rested

I have a problem where I have to finish everything, no bull-shitting, before I go to sleep. I used to leave things undone, especially homework due last period, but I simply can't anymore. There's a hole in me if I do that...sure, I may get to sleep a bit earlier, but I ache inside and it feels as if I'm cheating myself (I am) by not properly doing my work. Who cares if I run on 5 hours of sleep? At least I will know the material well, and come the end of the school day, I can take a nap on the bus and continue it when I'm home. And the cycle repeats itself.

But seeing I don't feel well tonight and it's the beginning of a new semester, I'm letting myself slack a little (dang it. Wasn't that my reason for working harder?). Only tonight, though...I don't think I could keep this up for longer than a few days. My planning was terrible this weekend, especially with my mom being the deacon of hospitality/"caring" at church now and having to accompany the guest pastors for my two homework days. What a hassle, but I know that I should have worked around it, despite unexpected dinner parties and whatnot.

And so I'm going to stop here tonight. I have eight pages of Emerson to read, along with deciding what I'm going to do for Junior Research (not a big deal, but step one of being binded to a problem/book I must over-analyze for a few months), looking ahead for Calculus, and rereading and redoing my chemistry homework.

It just feels so bad. So lazy. So non-complacent. So incompetent. I hate it.

Next week will be better, I hope. Once I've started this, I have to wait until the weekend to make up everything I've slacked on...even if it's for one day. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And now I'm wasting more time.

Devos, teeth, prayer, ..., sleep, and start over.

No comments:

Post a Comment