12 October 2010

seventeen minus 3.5 hours

My birthday is tomorrow! Seventeen is one of my favorite numbers (thirteen [probably] being my absolute), and it's super exciting to be finally turning it. Tomorrow, I can watch R-rated movies, drive without restriction, and bask in an incredible 17 years of incredible memories.

Things so drastically change in such a short period of time, no? I'm so blessed; so, so blessed. God has shown me His mercy time after time.

I was just reading Jia's blog (one of the reasons why I'm posting at the moment; I know I'll be over-active again when summer and college begin, but college applications are currently preoccupying all my time), and was absolutely thrilled to see what she said about faith. It's not based on emotions or feelings, as she explicitly states. I love that. One thing I've been struggling with is premonition of my future spiritual state. If I get into my top choice college, I know I'll be surging with "faith" and a renewed sense of His presence...and of course that is something to praise God for, but at the same time, shouldn't I have that crazy passion at all times?

On the other hand: rejection. What will my state of mind be, then? At our recent leadership conference with Brian Coday, I asked him how to face those who "used to be Christian"...his response was that he doubted that anyone who "used to be Christian" ever actually was a follower of Christ. So if my faith takes a dip, what does that say about me? I've invested so much mind-power into digesting the facts of college, college admissions; everything. But what happens when and if that completely falls apart?

I pray my faith won't waiver.

My prayers used to be directed in a manner that asked God to reject me from my top choice if I wasn't ready to handle it. Is that right? I stopped praying about that for about half a year, but as the season to apply began to draw closer--and arrive, I talked to my parents and close friends about this and I changed my mindset. It's not a matter of me "humbling" myself and asking for a rejection if I'm not mature enough to be humble about attending my top choice...it's more a matter of me asking God to show me His path. Wherever I go, I will thrive and flourish. I know that. I just need to wait and see, and if my guess was wrong the whole time? So be it: His direction for me is infinitely better, infinitely more powerful.

I anticipate December 15 with both fear and excitement. But either way, I'll live. I'll be fine. My faith will be put to its ultimate test, likely, but I'll make it through...because He is here, and He has died for me. What else is there to say?

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV): Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Maybe I'm crazy, but after reading this, I immediately was filled with reassurance...perhaps it was mislead, but I feel as if this is almost a direct word from God to me. I am confident that I will not be deferred; instead, either accepted or rejected. I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion, but that is my inference at this point.

Although...if I am deferred, then I'll just have to deal with it. Trust in Him. My faith might need a little testing nonetheless.

Enough college talk, though. I'm going to attempt to finish some work so that I won't have to slave away tomorrow. Seventeen. I'm ready.

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