03 November 2009

how i learned that edublogs blocks the word "nude"

Since I don't have much time to post these days, here's a satire I just wrote for AP Language, inspired by The Onion. Enjoy :)

New Seasonal Advertising Campaign Influences Teenagers from Coast to Coast

VENICE BEACH, CA — To mark winter’s approach, Hollister Co. has just released a new set of promotional images explicitly showing teenage girls bearing all to the camera. Prompted by the good morals imposed through these advertisements, teens from both the east and west coast have begun to swap out their diaphanous wardrobes for a more modest one: flesh.

“HCO sums up American values and plays such an important role in teenagers’ lives,” gushed Carrie Bradpaul, mother of sextuplets who were running around almost-naked at the time of the interview. “I can’t imagine why any mother would not promote the image they guarantee! I’m so glad my girls are embracing their natural beauty by showing as much skin as legally allowed!”

Not only have Bradpaul’s daughters adapted to the new “in” dictated by Hollister Co., the majority of other teenagers along California’s coast seem to have picked up on the trend rather quickly. As recalled by local boutique owner Samantha Bones, “My shop is across from one of the Hollister stores, and as soon as the manager put up the new promotional ads, teens were pouring into the store to get a closer look of how to emulate such a unique style. A few moments later, the majority left the store naked.”

Reporters on the scene also noted the peer pressure they felt as shirts and pants were thrown along the streets. “It’s hard to deflect the peer pressure,” admitted 43-year-old Charlotte Pork, casually unbuttoning the topmost button on her blouse. “Who doesn’t want to look young, naive, and stupid?”

Not only has the craze reached the inhabitants of SoCal, NorCal, MidCal, and even NorEastCal, east coast girls have been seen trying to embrace the same trend. “It’s 40 degrees out, and we’re walking around in skin-tight, flesh-colored leotards,” said 12-year-old Miranda Calvin, proudly. “I’ve only been to the hospital three times to be treated for hypothermia!”

However, this behavior is frowned upon by the more suave Californians. “It’s just not the same when you have to wear clothes that actually COVER your body, skin-toned or not,” said Bradpaul’s fourth daughter, Sherry. “Covering your arms and legs? That’s almost like…showing no skin! So uncool.”

Unluckily for some, this trend may soon be replaced by another: cutting one’s hair. The Bradpaul sextuplets were seen walking away from the interview shaving each others’ heads, complaining that their locks had left the skin on their necks hidden from public view.

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